Three seconds from drowning

Let me tell you a story.

Or rather, an opinion I have about stories. In my era, where fan works permeate all levels of culture, creators can be gun-shy about not "giving the people what they want" (Philosophy Tube, "Artists and Fandom", 2020). Genre fiction in particular is populated by people who did often quite substantial fanfiction projects.

Fanfiction is the counterfactual. It is the power we, the target audience, have to change how things played out. People who were cheated out of happy endings can have them, under explored parts of the plot can be fleshed out. And the characters can be put in a whole new setting (stereotypically, in a rock band or hanging out at a cafe) to see what would happen in this alternate universe. With creators dependent on revenue streams like Patreon, pleasing the most passionate and opinionated fans becomes paramount.

Over Christmas I read, or rather cried continuously over thirty-two chapters, the manga The Summer You Were There. It's about a romance between two high school students, where one is trying to find a way to love themselves, and the other is ... trying to find peace with the time they have.

Shizuku has totally withdrawn from society, being shunned years ago by her school for being a bully. She decides to commit suicide after writing a very dark novel that was savaged online. Shizuku decides to throw her novel away as a last act, and runs into Kaori. Kaori asks to read it and comes back glowing, asking what her next novel will be like. Shizuku, obviously, didn't plan to write another novel. Kaori says it should be about their love, and they start a fake-until-it's-not romance for the summer break.

Eventually it's shown that Kaori has a serious illness, mostly confined to the hospital for years. Kaori's proposal is attempting to have normal, happy experiences. Shizuku works on the novel and comes every day to give it. She struggles to find an ending- Kaori wants it to be happy, a version of her bubbly personality without the illness. Shizuku knows that the authentic ending is to end with Kaori's death. The original ending has Shizuku saying "Goodbye." Last minute she changes it to "I love you."

I appreciate an author that comes right out and says they are going to do something the audience will fucking hate. The exact nature of Kaori's illness takes a while to come out- other characters know about it, but Shizuku has been kept in the dark. But the author states at the end of the first chapter that Kaori is going to die. This year I've read a lot of dire situations that are saved through contrivances. This often cheapens the whole previous story. I closed the story bawling and thought yes, the author was totally right to have killed Kaori and I am glad they did. Maybe some day I'll write a fanfiction where it's not like that, but the professional should do the brutal version.

All this summary to say something about me: this is not a story about death and dying. Death is the ultimate end point of the plot, it is where characters focus and relate to.

This is, principally, a story about punishment.

Shizuku continues to punish herself years after the bullying she did. She denies herself social contact and pleasure, she feels so much guilt, and talks herself out of ways to move forward, feeling she is worthless. Kaori is old school friends with Ruri, who Shizuku bullied several years before the setting of the story. She organizes a chance for Shizuku to give Ruri an apology letter. The exchange doesn't go well.

Ruri and Shizuku both go constantly to the hospital. Though there are more gut-wrenching scenes, the most important one to me is a conversation the two of them have towards the end. Ruri says she doesn't know if she can ever forgive Shizuku, it was such an awful set of experiences. Yet, she sees with Kaori that Shizuku is trying, however awkwardly, to change and improve how she relates to people. We may never be friends, Ruri can't say, but she would like to keep talking.

The thing I dig out of this is that forgiveness is always the prerogative of the wronged party. They can always withhold it, even if it seems totally unfair to do so. Ruri can't forgive, at least in this moment. But she can recognize atonement. Shizuku has punished herself so severely, and now works to become a person who never would have been a bully in the first place.

There's a reason when someone comes out of prison or does some act of atonement, that they have "paid their debt to society." Not "the victims." As a society that has a little bit of mercy left in it, we can say that what someone did is unforgivable, it is heinous. There also is a finite amount of bad someone can do, and thus a finite punishment.

Self-punishment is a constantly in my life. I use my body as a weapon to hurt people, and make myself miserable in the process. I am locked in a cage with every ambiguous interaction I have had with a friend, nemesis, or someone I was three conversations deep with. I also recognize the act of service. If I have hurt you, I cannot fix that exactly, but can I do some tangible act in its stead?

This ended up being a long summary of a manga that affected me, but during long walks in Southeast Portland, it turned over in my mind again and again. For me, I can enjoy most fiction if there is one very specific aspect it nails. For young adult graphic novels, it's some setting: Kiss Number 8 takes place in a very small Catholic school in the suburbs in the mid-00s. Manga is often more thematic- because so much of The Summer You Were There is about people you care about with serious illness, it related deeply to a big, churning, heavy part of my life these past few years.

But that's for another time. Happy new year.

Artemis