Priceless, formless
Let me tell you a story.
Many years ago, I dated someone who complex motives. I understood some of what they wanted, what they expected of me. And I understood some of what I wanted, though more surface level than what I wanted emotionally.
What I did know from the start is that they were unavailable, having an affair on their long term boyfriend with me.
Looking back, I run into the perennial question. Why even try to get something out of this? There wasn't material control over me. I very much did not think I was unworthy of love or affection. I knew I have other options.
People come into my life, as friends or other roles on the playbill. They want all manner of things from me, and together as a collective. They want care, attention, sex, someone with a car. They want to escape into fantasy, they want to chat about their special interest.
The thing is, every relationship that I can ever remember, I wanted the exact same thing. I wanted to be reassured, and I became deeply hurt when people did not do that.
I've spent the last couple of weeks sketching the paths and implications, were I to put this set of traits in the center of "interpersonal problems" that dominate my therapy time and most of the time I am thinking about people I know. Here is a couple of implications.
As I said last post, I quickly develop an asymmetry with people, where there capacity to hurt me vastly exceeds my ability to hurt them. This isn't to say I don't hurt people, but what I have done, even if not intentional, is still very easy to reconstruct. I understand why the person I was getting to be friends with in January told me they were hurt by my actions and didn't want to see me again.
I multiple times this year have been hurt by people who have no idea they have done that, and it was not intentional. It's not that they don't care, it's less than that. This also explains my maladaptive trait of punishing myself to try to punish others. What am I trying to punish them for? Not reassuring me, going quiet. Last year someone I was close to had a minor medical event and wasn't checking their phone. I lashed out at them and mutual friends in that time span. Often the reason I feel hurt is not in fact someone disliking me or being ambivalent- they just do not know.
I don't think I'm bad at communication so much as frustrated with its limitations, even if these limitations are sensible. Ambiguity shrouds my life, makes the horrible plausible, just as the idle daydreams and everything in between.
Finally for this post, I am exceedingly easy to manipulate. Reassurance is similar to forgiveness. We cannot control whether we receive it, and it can be withheld for reasons that might seem unreasonable or cruel. It is up to someone else. Even with people I do not like and am sure do not like me, I want to be reassured. Not even that they like me, but something. Something that is a definite point, that I can think about and choose to accept or reject. The creeping dread comes in- have I kept doing wrong by people in the same way? Is there something I'm doing, unaware but harmful?
The answer is probably close to "no," but close to is not definitely. I'll do most things, even bad ideas, if I feel someone might be able to tell me it's "no." It is a terrible way to live life.
If I want people to tell me things are ok, what if it's ok just for them?
Artemis