Power cut

Let me tell you a story.

A recent conversation sits in my inbox. I check it several times a day to see if it's updated- the dull text made bold white to indicate a message from the other side. The most recent chunk is friendship that has skidded off the runway. Is it salvageable? I think so. It's the first case of rejection dysphoria being tested since it became a frequent Enjambment topic. I feel the sensations channeling through a theory of why I feel everything in this pulsing cluster. It's a natural experiment- does this concept in emotional disregulation fit, or is it another self-diagnosis from the internet?

It's hard, it hurts.

When it comes to reconciliation, I am almost always the person who moves first. I'll come in, apologize profusely, speak about what I believe I did that was harmful. When I mention the other person, "I" statements are always used.

These are largely accepted best practices for dealing with patches of black ice interpersonally. They're also a miserable trudge through muck where I constantly feel like I am apologizing in ways that make apologies meaningless. I worry about coming back into contact too fast, not letting things cool. Jeopardizing having a conversation that addresses the deeper reasons we were unkind to each other. But what if I don't feel I should move first? Do I use the body as a weapon, cut off entirely, wait for them to come to me? I have to acknowledge that period of silence is eternity.

This instance is more difficult than most for me. In part, it involves that the person feels pressure, feels 'nudged' by me and my communication style. This is not a recent thing, sometimes people feel pressure from how frequently I message and communicate. This includes a lot of 'check-in' style hellos where I don't have anything much to talk about.

I like hearing my friends and want to see if they're okay. We live in terrifying times, you message someone and find out they're two steps from the ledge. This is not imagined, it is my very real lived experience.

I tend to be the catalyst for getting things scheduled, done. A lot of people don't research places to go, activities, parks, walks. I have more free time, live in a more conventionally interesting part of the city. I have a giant trove of that sort of stuff, but it's logistically exhausting to turn archived information into an actual plan. But if I don't do that, when will I see my friends? Why do we say we have such a nice time together, then it takes months to do something similar? Why does every phone call with a friend go very well, and we go back to the texting we both don't like doing?

I know some of this is my dysphoria, my fear of rejection, and that ambiguity and silence is really difficult for me. I try not to push that onto other people - part of trying to have a larger social network is to help distribute this restlessness.

And yet.

I don't think I'm creating this hurt out of my personal pathology. People do say stuff that wounds me, even if the extent of that is beyond their immediate knowledge. In those cases, what do I go? Reconcile quickly, as I imagine other people do?

Let it fester for months, as my heart never quite heals the way I want?

I miss my friends, but I also want to be reassured that my efforts are understood.

Artemis