Fool's obsidian
Let me tell you a story.
Earlier in the year, I asked for a ride to a therapeutic ketamine infusion. This had been something the person did several times before, and I had helped with something important for their car as a token of my gratitude. You can't drive for twenty-four hours after an infusion, and due to how the infusions can make me feel, I'm not comfortable taking a rideshare. It is a very rare time where I require someone to keep a promise
Ketamine also wears off after a few weeks for me. So making sure I have infusions on a specific day is important to my ongoing mental wellness. It is a very rare time where I require someone to keep a promise.
The night before the appointment, which was at 9am, a chaotic mess of conversations broke out. My ride and their partner had not communicated about the ride, and they were fighting. The person who actually took me to this procedure on zero notice, to spoil the ending, said I had just wandered into other people's marital politics. Good way to phrase it.
From the outset, I knew none of this was my fault. I didn't act unreasonable in any way, and this was dysfunction unrelated to me and my needs. I made a specific request and felt hurt for wanting things. For needing things.
This week someone told me about an incident during the holidays, where they celebrated with a partner's family and felt slighted by the gifts they received, and what they put into the holiday compared to what they got out. They mentioned a term I had never heard of, rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). I had never heard of it, as the early stage clinical description relates to ADHD. It's not part of a formal diagnosis at this stage Though I very distinctly do not have any notable markers of ADHD, it's unknown to what extent it might show up in a less commonly diagnosed condition I do have, like developmental coordination disorder.
RSD is an intense negative reaction to rejection or criticism. Perhaps most important when when I was reading its description, it's an intolerance of ambiguity, and an assumption that in the absence of good information, what people do and say, or don't do or say, means I am being teased, rejected, or not valued. The person I was talking do said I had some of the worst RSD they had ever seen, even with all the time they spend in spaces with other neurodiverse people.
This concept has very little good research on it (I found one article on RSD as it might relate to borderline personality disorder, and a big on with ADHD which pretty much every pop psych article links to if they link to anything at all). Going back into childhood, but more a point of focus since I moved up here almost three years ago- what does 'interpersonal problems' even mean?
I feel all turns to ash between my fingers. I care so much about social contact and yet the more time and effort I spend on social relationships, the more things crash into the sea. I care so much and it is exhausting. One thing I have learned is a deep asymmetry in relationships - people can hurt me on a level much deeper than I could doing a similar action. They can also hurt me for long periods without realizing they've even done it.
It's not that I necessarily feel guilt in every situation, but that I don't know if guilt might be something that I should feel. A kaleidoscope of every feeling, of every intensity and variety, hit me and stick with me.
This year there have been some improvements- having my phone on me less, switching dating apps off for stretches, working on hobbies that can eat up a lot of time, reading fiction to think more about friendship and love in a controlled environment. These self-care acts are isolating, they are trying to solve my issues with ambiguity and rejection through just interaction with fewer and fewer people. This isn't all bad- I need to learn to be more discerning and spend time with people who have the communication style I do best with. That being said:
Loneliness without desperation is still loneliness. My heart doesn't make much distinction.
Artemis