Exhale, palms up

Let me tell you a story.

I am not really one for ritual. There have been valiant attempts to get on the ritual train. I light candles, place them in the chalice, say words of beginning, of transition, of finality and oblivion. It all means very little to me. Though my life is not without tokens and symbols, ritual in its formal meaning is incidental. I go to places where ritual is going on: whatever may rise above my anhedonia comes from other aspects of a sacred space.

That being said, I do have a very particular ritual I began a year ago.

I put my hands out in front of me, arms at about right angles. The palms face the ground. I hold for a second, inhale, exhale, then flip the hands palms up and look ahead.

This is me going face-up. It represents a moment where I feel the need to speak with a certain type of candor to someone. I do this in person, in front of someone or a group, and I also do it at the computer or frisbee my phone to a soft space to have free use of my hands.

One thing that can follow the palms up is disclosure. I am going to reveal something about myself I do not like to talk about at all. I will reveal shame, failure, and my many petty and grand hypocrisies. This is not a trauma bond or sharing of embarrassing episodes. These are things I do not believe other people are going to relate to. It is isolation through social contact. This might be something I could get away with hiding for the rest of my life. This is something they are owed.

Another is peeling back the curtain. A few months back I went on a first date. I tend to obsessively read someone's app profile for tidbits to talk about, but decided not to do that. I came in with three questions, asked those in succession, and when those concluded I said "I came in with three questions, these are the only things I really know about you. How are you doing?" I don't know if other people do this, but I dislike having secret date strategies. Another term I use for face-up is cards on the table. I am not being fully forthcoming, my honesty is a construct, but here, let me tell you this at least. My secret date strategy is to not have a secret date strategy.

I go palms up, face-up most often to inform others of things they will not want to hear. About them. Most often I categorize this as a social service- you are trying to hide something from view, but I see it and others may as well. Please consider how you protect your vulnerabilities. There comes a time when attentive listeners are punished for reporting back what they learned. In the yes-and of life, I try to have difficult conversations with people "about us" whether two or five or fifteen souls involved. I seek a truthful conversation but it rarely seems to concern what I would prefer to cover. Ah, shit. We're going to get into this.

Palms up.

Exhale.

I engage in this ritual not for cleansing, or for protection, or by religious edict. It is for the knowledge that whatever happens after the body clicks into the groove and the eyes lock ahead, I had this small thing that I control.

Artemis