Cast out
Let me tell you a story.
Tuesday, December 17th, was the three year anniversary of leaving Boston. It was also the last time I was meaningfully in seminary. There have been efforts to begin again, always begin in the Benedictine tradition. I don't want to move again, an increasing number of schools are not in safe areas for trans people, it is not a good time for left-wing trans people in general. It is time to adopt a siege mentality, and not a lot of people talk about process theology during an active siege.
Have the last three years constituted a spiritual crisis? In 2021, my Unitarian church asked me to speak for a couple minutes to one of our values. I looked it up and it was "searching for meaning." I definitely wrote this address down but it is lost to the wind. By this point I was half a foot out the door, the second half of 2021 is a challenging blur. I said "if you do not have a spiritual crisis at seminary you have been cheated out of your time and money." I do believe that. I also think that is more an aphorism I was told than my personal experience.
When I moved, then moved again, when things slid off the road and into the mire, I fell into a mentality. That to leave seminary means I became disillusioned, having a crisis of faith. The experiences that end up in folk albums one would consider "challenging" but not enjoyable. Why else would I largely stop going to church? Why else did I tell people on first dates about pursuing ordination as a fun thing to talk about, a performative show of intimacy?
I didn't leave seminary because I had a crisis of faith. Or thought ministry is pointless. I'm irritated by the politics and uninspired by the liturgy, but that's always been the case since the beginning, when I showed up in the aftermath of another leaving in 2009.
My life was falling apart, I felt it was untenable to stay, so I left. I knew I was giving up a very important community, a place I felt genuinely connected to. I also knew it was unlikely I would ever have such a thing again. That's my adult life. I feel boxed into a corner and I ultimately acquiescence to something that will make me deeply unhappy. It makes me worse as a person, it is self-defeating. It's not a fucking crisis of faith.
The nearest divinity school that even a little bit speaks to me is thousands of miles away. I have mostly sworn off long-distance travel, and I don't presently have the energy to do theology online.
What I got out of this, which applies to social dysfunction in my life, is there is overemphasis on things that are bad being things that are complicated, nuanced. News has this framing, politics as well. The thing is most things are pretty straightforward. Or at the very least, adding nuance and complexity will not explain more. It crosses me up in knots, binds me against making decisions out of love and tenderness for myself.
The crisis of faith has been with myself.
Artemis